It has been awhile since I have written.  A lot has happened since my last post, and I feel like I have been trapped in my own personal prison.  I am stuck in a tiny, four walled room, with no escape.  Except instead of being able to get my hour of the cell, I am constantly trapped inside my head.  I never really had a lot of friends, but now I do not really have any.  After the assault took place, I had a lot of time to think about certain aspects of my life, including my choice of friends.  Most people who I considered my “friends” or even my “family”, were not there for me throughout any of the healing process.  I was in a medical boot eight out of the year and 2 months that I have been off.  These so called friends of mine did not want to go anywhere or do anything with me since I could not walk as fast or keep up with them.  Or do any of the activities that they wanted to do.  Then when I had my plastic surgery I really thought the people I considered “family” would be there for me to help me while I healed.  But I learned seconds after waking up from my surgery, that they were more focused on their own petty drama in their lives.  I think that is probably the moment I lost hope and really retreated back into the cell in my head.  I locked myself away and threw away the key.  I had counted on so many people to be by my side during my recovery, and they all let me down.  My blood family helped more than I ever would have expected them too.  Now almost a year later, I am even more trapped in my head than ever before.  I do not have any friends, and I had to relocate my living situation for my own mental health.  Where I am at now, is not much better.  I love my family and what few, few people I consider to be a “friend”, but I have never felt so alone in the entirety of my short life.  My thoughts no longer wish to shut off as they had done so before.  It feels like literally everything is falling apart all over again! This is craziness.  It is like no matter how hard I try to move on from everything, I get pushed right back into confinement.  I received other diagnosis’s that I may have to carry with me for life now, and at 21 years old, they have began discussions about disability.  I had a whole career in law enforcement ahead of me, and now it seems like it may be getting farther away.  Then adding my family issues, financial issues, medical issues, and the PTSD issues, it seems like I am being assaulted all over again.  This time by the nightmares I myself, have conjured up.  I never used to mind being alone, and I still do not sometimes, but I really miss having someone around to talk too.  Hopefully soon, there is light at the end of this tunnel.  Maybe my release date from my own person hell, is closer than I think!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s